| Brief notes |
[18 Oct 2010|08:33pm] |
I've bookmarked the site to keep me back in the process of updating this weekly.
I've been out for about over a year now. My parents still do not know.
Being the staunch Nintendo fanboy I am, I recently bought a PS2 and an XBox 360. Yikes! Loving the 360.
I'm a college graduate now. I'm in the in-between of adulthood and a kid. I'm scared. More on this another day.
I'm still single. Still lonely. I'm dealing with it.
I've been seeing an university counselor for awhile now; to begin with, to help with serious depression. Now it's for a mix of career counseling and just talking. It's nice to have him.
And I'm starting to exercise and jog.
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| I need to start doing this again. |
[16 Oct 2010|09:30pm] |
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God, so much has changed since I last blogged regularly. For me to have kept this updated for this long, to let it die out seems like a travesty. I only have one LJ friend that stays regularly updated now, it seems, and I miss the writing. So much has gone on since I graduated college, I need to do this again.
And I will.
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| Okay, so this new thing? |
[12 Feb 2010|12:03am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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I dunno', doing the over-analyzing thing too much and I'm trying very hard not too, but this is my first real time pursuing a guy. I've already gone over what's been going on to my friends so it's okay, I'm not going to rehash it all here... though you haven't heard about it. Hm. Nah, it's not good. In any case... giving it time. I don't want to ruin it. Though of course, my Negative Nancy friend visits and is like, LOL YOU ALREADY HAVE LOSER. I'm having a couple brewskis right now and contemplating calling Dr. Drew on Love Line. I'm addicted to Love Line. But it's already over.
Boogers.
On the plus side, uh, I got distracted by facebook in the other tab, and totally forgot what I was going to say.
Things are okay... I guess... I'm remaining wicked positive about the majority of stuff, cautiously optimistic about some, and just whatever about others.
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| This is new. |
[05 Feb 2010|10:43pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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I hope I don't fuck this up.
Went to a local 24 hour diner, got waited on by this real cute guy. My buddy was like "I bet you won't leave your number, be adventurous for once" so I'm like "stfu" and I did it.
Kid went to my high school, a few years younger than me, but I don't think he knew who I was. I shot him a facebook friend request, he accepted (!!! (but I guess not really because people accept random strangers )).
And I lead in with the lamest fucking thing on his wall, "holy shit, I knew you looked familiar, 'sup fellow GHSer" (<initials of the school).
Conversation has started where we're starting to get to know each other. It's reciprocal question asking (see that's the kinda' over-analyzing shit I shouldn't think of).Haven't gone back in the diner yet, legitimately not had time, and call me out because I'm sure someone is gonna' be like LOL STALKERFACE.
It's just, this is weird, I'm sure my social awkwardness is gonna' fuck me in the end, but from what I've heard, this kid is really weird, too, and kinda' goofy in that social misfit way. I'm just wigging out about the next trip into the diner.
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| Okay, so, did something rare for me. |
[04 Feb 2010|12:08pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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It's minor, but something I don't usually do. Left a very cute waiter my phone number. Went to high school with him, I don't think he knows me, but whatever. This was a few days ago, no call back, but hey, I did something I don't usually do. Score points for adventurous me.
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| LOST season premire in 4 days; speculation and theories ahoy |
[30 Jan 2010|11:22am] |
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mood |
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excited |
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I'm super excited to see what they do with this series.
I'm calling it; a huge theme in the final year is going to be this Man of Science, Man of Faith argument that's been going on forever.
The two forces of the island, Jacob and the Man in Black, both represent a scientific issue (perhaps one of them is a Dharma Initiative experiment gone awry) and a crazy, spiritual issue. And that's the crux of season 6. Or something.
I'm going to edit this and update this with a few random theories and speculation, seeing as how I'm kinda' bored.
Ever since the time-travel aspect was made known to the show, I've said that Jack has experienced events before. Why?
In the pilot, Jack is away from the main crash site when he wakes up. He's lying on his back. Vincent gets sent over by Christian to wake him up (in a mobisode, this is cannon, btw). Jack wakes up, and boom, he's out to save the day and just be... well, Jack.
The position of him when he wakes up is really, really similar to the position that Locke and Ben both end up when they awake in the desert after turning the wheel under the island. And his position, away from the crash, can't be just written off; I think he did something off island that we haven't seen yet to relive the events of Oceanic 815 and attempt to change them for the better. He's been through this once and the outcome didn't go the way he planned.
Through course-correction, the island tries to fuck Jack's shit; he almost dies in a cave collapse, he nearly drowns, his appendix nearly bursts... but because of some variables in the show (Juliet, Charlie, etc) he survives.
Jack is different from the survivors; this much is made clear when Mr. Friendly is like "He wasn't even on Jacob's list!"
I'm calling it, Rose and Bernard were dead when they showed up in The Incident. They were Jacob and the Man in Black, respectively. Their sentiments, especially Rose's, when it comes to the antics of the survivors echoes Jacob's and MIB's conversation in the start. And I found the glance that Bernard gave Juliet when he asked if she wanted to stay for tea a bit... knowing?
And Juliet is super special. I always had this random idea of these characters being variables and constants in a giant equation; this was moreso based on the idea of how many giant events in the show wouldn't have happened if a certain character wasn't around to save the day or do something. This is just me free thinking, but Charlie saved Jack in season one and died pretty quickly after that. Eko was a driving force in the events of the second season, and he was taken care of. Hell, most of the '77 survivors should've been outta' the picture, but due to Jacob bringing back the Ajira folk, they're back in the game. I don't know, it was just more random free-thought theory than anything else. I still believe Juliet's a heavy character for the mythology.
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| I'm having a night. |
[23 Jan 2010|10:59pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
] |
Every wonder how many people would say "hi" to you if you didn't say it to them first?
Am I crazy for just wondering about this? I'm always the person that greets others. Nobody greets me. I'm tempted to do an experiment, but I'm fearful for what the results might be.
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| My Fear Notebook |
[22 Jan 2010|02:06pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
In an effort to improve myself and get myself out of self-imposed comfort zones and areas, I've decided to create a fear notebook. In this notebook, which I plan on carrying around with me everywhere, I've listed (as of right now) 32 things I'm afraid of doing. Some relate to each other; some are just little sayings and mantras that I need to prove to myself are either true or false. In an effort to take care of 32, I've decided to make this public. I'm well aware of some of the humor and silliness of these things; trust me. A lot of it is social skills and my own feelings of self-inadequacy that I wish to overcome. I figure that posting this will help keep me honest; it's public, it's out there, and once other people see this, they can keep me... I dunno', on the right path?
1. Tell him
2. Physical intimacy
3. Wax body hair (chest and back specifically)
4. Go clean shaven, no beard, for a month
5. Sing in front of a large group of people
6. Dance
7. No rely on alcohol to do any of these things
8. Go to a party and not wallflower it
9. Say hi to attractive people more often
10. Stand up for yourself
11. Be nice to his mother
12. Be comfortable in your clothes
13. Put yourself in the spotlight and be okay with it
14. No marijuana until April 20th, at least
15. Swim
16. Do not be afraid of small talk
17. Don't avoid people you find attractive
18. Don't wait for the gym shower to be empty before going in.
19. Go to a gay bar.
20. Find out what "out there" is and put yourself there
21. Get to be more comfortable talking to tables and customers.
22. Try a new hair cut.
23. Shyness is a myth. Prove it.
24. If you see her, talk to her!
25. Confront unnecessary drama and don't leave any elephants in the room.
26. Do not be compelled to do what others think you should do.
27. If something bothers you, mention it; don't let it go.
28. The past does not dictate your future. Prove it.
29. Do an approach. Do many approaches.
30. Assert yourself.
31. Go to a popular, weekend kinda' bar and do not stop yourself from having a good time.
32. Allow yourself to be honest with your emotions, feelings and thoughts.
33. Go to a gay party.
Interesting note; I've made progress on a few of them. So, go me?
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| I know someone in every one of my classes. |
[21 Jan 2010|01:34pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
] |
This is rare and very comforting.
I recently went out and spent $100 on new clothes. I'm wearing my hair a bit more stylish. I'm trying out new styles and shit to improve my confidence.
So far, it's working pretty okay. I feel better when I leave the house. I feel more comfortable (so far) small-talking in class. To strangers, no less!
It's a start, right? I'm starting to be a firm believer in the clothes making the man.
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| There's something wrong with Hollywood when Avatar wins Best Drama. |
[19 Jan 2010|11:48am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
Something even worse when The Hangover beats out 500 Days of Summer.
And Downey Jr. beat Levitt for Sherlock Holmes.
Fuck you, Hollywood. If you had the time to take your mouths off of Cameron's dick, you'd be able to give these awards to the right people.
First day of my last semester... my Tuesdays have a 5 hour break between them. Thinking of going to the mall either today or tomorrow to do some clothes shopping. Maybe a movie now. I'm sleepy. It's 11:45 and my next class is at 3:30.
I have to get my back waxed too. I didn't talk about the fear notebook? I didn't talk about the fear notebook. I forget I have about 16 weeks of information to update with. That's for another day.
I was taking a shit in the handicapped stall on campus. I heard the familiar CLICK, CLICK, CLICK of one of those guys that has the supporter-things on his arm to help him walk. Like, I don't know, a fourth set of legs or some shit. I'm doing a piss-poor job explaining it.
Brief panic overwhelmed me as I was in mid-shit and really couldn't speed the process up. Thankfully, he passed by the bathroom.
And I realized that whenever I need to take a shit in a public place, it's the handicapped stall.
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| My hours keep being cut at my job. |
[15 Jan 2010|02:10pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
Still serving. I've lost a day shift. The place is struggling. I'm kinda' angry about this. Scratch that - really angry about this.
Classes start next week... last semester of college, ohshit. Then... uh... yikes... what then? Uh...
I'm just glad classes are starting back up. Keeps my mind busy and off of things.
Odd thought; I seemed to be less paranoid while smoking pot. Huh.
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| So here's a bit of what happened. |
[11 Jan 2010|03:41pm] |
1. I'm out.
The only people that don't know are my parents. I'd prefer it to stay that way. I think my mother has a sneaking idea, but it's okay; she's not bringing it up. The transition has been one that has been helped by a core group of friends, both old and new. My false assumption that this should make things easier has been, well, proven false. A whole new host of problems have popped up in it's place... most of which I'm prepared and willing to deal with.
Some, such as having feelings for people that you don't want to have feelings for... that kinda' sucks. There's probably gonna' be more on that later. That's... sensitive, I think; or maybe I'm just paranoid. That entry will be locked.
So far, the biggest problem I've faced, is people asking me "Are you sure?"
That bothers the fuck outta' me. Especially when people like to throw in my lack of sexual experience, too. The marijuana was a crutch, it really was; when I was stoned, I wasn't wondering about my sexuality or whether or not it's weird for my porno-viewing habits to be strictly the same-sex. I do venture into the opposite sex (HEY-OH), but not enough to make me not question it. Plus, this isn't something new. My viewing habits have been like this for a long time. I can't let denial run my life anymore. I've accepted it. My friends have too. I have good friends.
2. I quit marijuana. For good.
It's silly to most people, sure, but for a guy who was stoned literally EVERY DAY for the majority of the day... it's been since... I think September 13th? This still has ups and downs for me. I've gotten rid of all of my smoking tools and devices. The only reminders really are just the stoner-comedy DVDs I'd buy and toke to. They still retain some novelty value for me... I mean, I can't just turn my back on my past.
There are times when I really want to. Bad. As much as I'd hate to say it, my nerves and tendency to over-think and over-analyze things is still with me. The pot would help it. But I don't know.
3. Script-writing.
I took a class in television script writing as an elective. Our five-person group, which was picked the second day of the semester, was charged with researching and writing an hour-long episodic script for a drama currently on the air. We picked Supernatural, on the CW. It was one of the most rewarding and fun experiences I've ever had.
We bought Final Draft, the industry standard software for scriptwriting, and we churned out a script that got 99/100. This professor is brutally tough, too. She said that this script was "one of the best that has come across my desk in a long, long time". We were on cloud nine.
At the end of the semester, she forces us to enter into a national scriptwriting competition and compete with colleges around the country. The competition and rewards ceremony is held in Vegas (!!!), and if we win, we get to go and get our $1,000 cash prize (per person), plaques, and something really fucking cool to have on our resume. Her track record for every class is that at least every year, a group in her class places first, second, or third. She says that we have a great, great chance of placing. She said that you can meet industry connections and that more than a few studios and companies send out head-hunters to see what you can do.
We find out whether or not we win on February 12th. This would be absolutely amazing for me, as writing this script was a blast. I would love to try and do this for a living.
As of right now, that's all I can think of. It feels good to do this again. Blog, I mean.
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| It's been 16 weeks? |
[09 Jan 2010|11:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cranky |
] |
Christ. A lot has happened since then, a lot that has pretty much reaffirmed the fact that I need an outlet. And this is it. I don't know why I stopped writing, I just did. And I need a way to vent, to talk about stuff. I'm going to make a conscious effort to keep this updated in the new year. There's so much coming up. I'm on my last semester of college, for Christ's sake. Yikes. I think I'm gonna' need you.
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| Meg... |
[17 Sep 2009|02:26am] |
|
Her dad called the place today. Said that she can't work there anymore. According to a co-worker, he didn't want the 25 year old guy at the workplace coming onto her. I think he meant me. Fuck.
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| Healthy? |
[10 Sep 2009|10:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
I've decided to be single for the rest of my life.
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| I've quit pot. |
[22 Aug 2009|10:32am] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
(Those that've been reading for awhile, I don't want to be a comment whore since I haven't left or checked yours in ages, but please, if you have ANYTHING to add, I'd like to hear it.)
For good. Sold the pipes and the pieces and I'm back on the depression/generalized anxiety medication.
I'm trying very, very, very hard to live my life differently. I am making an effort to be more social and I'm hanging out with people and making new friendships, but with some of these new friendships are entirely new sets of problems. I have decided that this is not an error on my part, but something that would've came up in any new friendships I've made. I open myself more to my friends and surroundings, and I have come to terms with the fact that the negative will be let in just as much as the positive. But the positive is worth it.
I want to die and have memories of my life. That's all we have, and for far too long my introversion has kept me from making these memories and letting these people into my life for fear of whatever reason. We're only here for a short time, and to deny myself pleasure from my friends and those around me for fear of rejection, etc etc, that's not worth it.
For the record, the medication, I believe, has helped me out in a very positive way. I have ten times more energy and while I still believe firmly in the benefits of cannabis, I was an addict. Plain and simple. I used the crutch of self-medicating myself a drug that made me relax when I was on level ten the entire time. I am and will always be a stoner and a member of the cannabis culture at heart, but I need to find a balance before I can ever go back (and I probably won't).
I'm afraid of people not reacting well to the new, social me, after knowing Stoner Greg so long, but it's normal. It's making me realize who are my real friends and who aren't. Last night was a bad night, first night since quitting that made me really fiend for a joint.
I'm making a solid effort to, instead of talking and ranting and raving about my issues via blogs to people I've never physically met, to discuss these issues with people. I talked to my best friend last night and told him that this practice of blogging to strangers and not talking to him or other people was a deeper act of isolation and alienating to myself and those around me. Putting a wall up, ya' know? Honesty is important and if these people are my friends, they'll listen. I always felt that the only one who would ever listen is you, blog, and that's not right. That cheapens the friendships I have and that's just not right.
And yeah, some of my buddies do find these conversations awkward when I veer into deep thoughts about life territory, but ya' know what? They're my best friends and I've known a lot of them for years. It's awkward for them, but rather than bitch here and not get their points of view and let these feelings turn into bitterness and resentment, I'm talking it out to them.
In fact, I'm certain that the fact that I am so bitter and jealous in a lot of ways is because of you, blog. These feelings have been left to fester for what, this many years? That's not right. It shouldn't be like that. I'm going to attempt to confront these feelings of bitterness and jealousy and other stuff head on today with a co-worker friend of mine whose friendship with me has grown quite a bit and nip this stuff in the bud before it turns into resentment. Because that's how I'm going to live my life from now on. If this guy is my friend, and I know he is, he'll understand and offer a sympathetic ear. The cycle of bitterness, resentment, and paranoia, I'm CERTAIN, stems from the fact that I only deal with my problems online and not actually verbalizing them to my friends.
I'm trying to live my life differently with varying levels of success. I'm attempting to be more fun and playful. A series of events happened a few nights ago where I ran into a very old ex-co worker buddy of mine that I could've told anything to that put a lot of things into perspective. And I wouldn't have run into her had I not been living my life differently and stepped out of my zone. For a guy that doesn't believe in fate, this sure sparked a bit of existential doubt in my mind about a lot of stuff.
The key point is, I can bitch and moan about my life on here all I want, and I know I've had people reading these blog for years who do know me well enough to offer advice. I don't want to cheapen the support or advice I've gotten from you guys, but in reality, you exist only when I'm in front of the screen. And I don't want to live my life like that anymore. I have for the past how many years, and in reality, it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Nor do I want to live in fear of what people will think of me anymore. Hence the attempts at honesty amongst my friends and family. The second I write a negative thought here and don't actually deal with it when it comes to the people I know and love, the negative festers and festers until it's full blown resentment. That's not right.
And if my secrets get out, if the trust I put into my newer friends leaks out, I'll deal. You work on relationships, you build things, it's a two-way thing. I still firmly believe that people are inherently good and if that's naive or leads me to trust and say things to people I shouldn't? So be it. I welcome the pain as well as the love because to me, loneliness is the absolute lack of any feeling. Be it good, be it bad, the isolation of loneliness is a killer.
I'll take any cuts and bruises from misplaced trust in people, but I don't want to be killed by loneliness anymore. I do have friends and people that will listen. If they think and I'm crazy and weird when I'm off pot, so be it. I really haven't felt this good in years, and aside from a few rocky bumps like last night, the good that's been let into my life by allowing myself to have, make, and go out with new friends and experience new things and step out of my zone is worth it.
It has made me realize, however, that it's not a quick fix. I let my fear turn into anger I aim at others way too much and that breeds resentment and hate. This has totally manifested itself lately (and was key in the issues of last night) in the problem of my own lack of self-confidence when it comes to finding and creating a romantic relationship with someone. That?
Yeah, I'm working on it. :-)
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| It's all a big joke, isn't it? |
[19 Jul 2009|12:57pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
Be yourself, unless you're overweight, than it really doesn't matter anyway because fat people are the one universal beacon of hate and disgust in the world. Be yourself, be true to who you are, but that's just a fuckin' curse, isn't it? Are some people just doomed to be miserable and alone? Is this what fate has in store for me? In the nine plus years of blogging, I've hit the highs and the lows, lows more often, but I'm no better now than I was before.
Don't smoke that grass, god no, instead, destroy your liver every weekend with a drug that's ten times more dangerous. Oh, hey, for that hangover and whatever ails you, wander right over to Big Pharmaceuticals R Us and get some highly addictive and deadly legal pain killers. As long as it's not that DEADLY GRASS.
Stick up for yourself, as long as it's not to the person telling you to stick up for yourself. Then you're just a dick. Don't be nice to people, that's useless, because hey, nice doesn't matter, right? Too much hate anyways in the world, what's one nice guy going to matter?
Panic attacks and social anxiety? You might as well be a leper because A) explaining the overwhelming fear to people just makes you feel worse and MORE dumb and B) because people don't understand and think you're making up excuses for not hanging with them. And then you feel like a dick because they're like "wtf" and they have NO IDEA what it's like to just feel that sense of internal chaos and fear.
Is this who I am? A guy that can barely work up the nerves to talk to anyone without overwhelming insecurities and nervousness and I want to be a journalist?!
It's a joke. It's funny for all the wrong reasons, but it's a joke and funny nevertheless.
(I miss you.)
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| I'm still here. |
[23 Mar 2009|12:32pm] |
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mood |
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 worried |
] |
Yeah, I'm still here. I miss blogging. A lot.
Decided to ditch the meds. They aren't helping like they should, I think.
And, also, to the anonymous comments I get every few months saying I should get offline and stop blogging, I have, and I'm fucking miserable, so fuck you. I am in no way a better or more fulfilled person without the chance to blog regularly. So, is that it for me then? If, let's just say, roughly a month or two without internet access and I'm still the same schlub, what the fuck am I to do? I was pretty much forced to do the Internet exile thing and I'm no better for it. Am I a lost cause?
I'm really worried about my future in journalism. It's a horrible major and I really regret taking it because I'm honestly terrified about my long term prospects. It's really fucking depressing to hear these stories about the newspapers cutting daily print versions to save money. It's worse to hear that some papers have just gotten rid of the print version to go strictly online, a place notorious for the lack of ad revenue. And the online journalism will tailor fit and made to the online crowd: short, lacking attention spans, no real substance or investigative journalism.
It's very disillusioning, I think. I'm reading Ben Bagdikian's "The New Media Monopoly" for class and there's a very, very disturbing chapter about how The New Yorker lost so much advertising and therefore funding for the paper during the year where they actively criticized and lashed out against the Vietnam War. This is a paper whose ads target the rich and affluent. That was the target of the paper.
When word hit that their audience was not just the affluent anymore, but more and more younger college kids who liked the criticisms of the Vietnam War, advertisers (the ones who market and create ads target the rich people) backed out. The paper lost revenue, and if I remember correctly, the head of the editorial board was told to change it's content to get these advertisers (and their rich products) back. In short, the stance of the editorial board and the types of investigative, smart, intelligent and risky news stories scared the advertisers away and we almost lost a prominent newspaper because of it.
Looking back at old blog entries, I come off as entirely optimistic about the world and the way it works. I think that people are inherently good, but this major I'm in... you learn entirely too much about certain things to keep that perspective. You question everything after you get to be in the classes that I'm in. You almost HAVE to question everything to protect yourself.
The recent stuff at CNBC and The Daily Show, with Jon Stewart lashing out at CNBC for being "wall street cheerleaders" and just overall shitty journalism when they should be asking hard questions... that's what scares me. The fact that it took a comedian to question this shit is GREAT, SOMEONE has to ask the questions. But why Jon Stewart, when nobody takes him seriously? Why can't an actual news outlet do it? Oh right, advertisers don't want negative stories about the economy and the business world. Isn't that supremely fucked up that these corporations have so much stake in the news that we digest on a daily basis?
And the newspapers going under terrifies me, as well as the market for journalists. What will be the climate of the journalistic world when I'm outta' college next year? Is the grass roots, citizen journalism blog market the way to go? The media is constantly evolving, that's a given, so my question is just what exactly will journalism be in ten years? Twenty? Where will get our truth at? Will it just be the blogs and the Youtubes and will print vanish completely? You can make the argument that the older generation is the one keeping these papers alive simply because the older generation, for better or worse, aren't as computer or Internet savvy as us youngsters. So follow that through for a bit... The newspapers were the rage in the olden days, and now it's the Internet news stories and sources. Soooo... are we going to be looking at the printed word and text on a computer screen when we're old and the younger generation is totally moved onto the next media vehicle?
What of this journalistic integrity that gets tossed around so much nowadays? We have news institutions working with the government when they should be questioning it. We have the government outright lying to the public when news outlets aren't caring enough to cover the story. We have a nightly comedian, Jon Stewart, winning awards for journalism? Wait, what?!
It's scary. Really scary.
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mega5010's journal